Oct 13 2009
Ford Kiernan with new Jaguar XF Image 2
Chewing The Fat star Ford Kiernan knows a thing or two about cars, having bought more than 100 since the age of 16. But that hasn't stopped him losing a fortune buying Jaguars that shed money quicker than Sir Fred Goodwin. Just when he thought he'd come to terms with his "Jaguar problem", he clapped eyes on the new XF. In a world of same-mould-fit-all motors, it's the only one he is tempted to buy. We took him for a test drive to see if he would part with his cash. Here is his verdict.
Say the name Jaguar to most drivers and unlike practically any other marque they will have an opinion about it.
"Oh aye my Uncle John was a Jag man, only ever had Jags" or "pipe and slippers toffs' car" or simply a wistful "love them but just too dear".
I've always loved Jaguars. They have a complete identity about them, unmistakable in any version, a presence on the road that always makes me look twice, that makes me try to work out what exactly I'm seeing - a four-grand smoker or a 60-grand flying machine. Of course, a real Jag man would know at a glance and, at that moment, understand where he is in the big cat charts.
If you can't, and to be honest few can, afford to have your bum planted in a brand new top of the range model, then do as I have done a few times and get a hold of a nice old minter.
I never worry what people think of Jag drivers.
What I do care about is sitting in a fabulous car that some other poor blighter has shelled out a fortune for, and I'm now enjoying at a ridiculously low cost.
Because that's the hard fact - Jags lose value like nothing else on earth. And I have taken advantage of this fact on a few occasions.
I had to come to terms with the fact I had a Jag problem.Yes, I originally maintained that a nice old minter was the way to go, but the truth was I wanted a new one.Yeah, don't we all.
It's a real pain because I would never be able to justify a brand new Jag. I can't explain why, I just love them, but I would never marry that amount of finance.
I'm now driving a 13-year-old Mercedes estate, and I've got a nice old TR7 with a sheet over it in the garage, and to be honest I have not thought about Jags for some time.
Wait a minute, what's this? No! please God no! the new XF.
Those ratbags at Jaguar have only gone and given me sleepless nights again.
And what's worse - I've been asked to test-drive it for this article. I'm sweating, my wife's sweating, my bank manager's sweating.
If you were sitting in the living room in the Sixties with a pencil and pad with The Jetsons playing on the TV in the background, trying to think what Jags would look like in the space age, the concept C-XF is what you would have come up with.
It is jaw-dropping. It's awesome and although it's extremely different to anything they've done before, it's still unmistakably a Jag from every corner.
The boot lid now has a new Jaguar emblem.
The leaping cat is in profile and from the rear you can still see the lines of an XK - "the haunch" - moving from the back and along the side.
Not surprisingly, there's a hint of Aston Martin, but to my eye, as you start to get to the front, it all becomes a bit Lexusy.
As is always the case going from concept to production vehicle, they take your breath away and give it back to you when they release the actual car.
A Jaguar is nothing if it's not jamming its heritage down your throat every time you see it. Maybe it's because I'm getting older.
By now I would usually have given up further inspection based on the exterior but I've never known a Jaguar interior not to impress.
That would be an understatement here. The inside of this car is sublime. It has every conceivable want and need covered. It looks like a custom job for a sultan - way better than any production car I've ever seen.
Electric rotating air vents and the wood finishes are really very special, like an engineered cigar box.
And, of course, there's a dash wizardry. All a little daunting at first like a new mobile phone but soon, after a good fiddle about, you're on its wavelength.
To me, Jaguar are doing what they've always done here, inviting you to get personal and daring you to make a move.
It's almost like you're stealing it. And like so many Jags stolen as getaway cars in the Sixties, this gives exactly the same buzz. The further you get away, the more free you begin to feel.
Now, unlike your Clarksons and your Hammonds, I can't wax lyrical about what's under the bonnet, because I don't want to know.
There's nothing under there that's frankly any of my business.
But the book says five-litreV8 and putting the boot down assures me this is true.
The drive is totally Jaguar - fast ( 0-60 in six seconds) and effortless. But very responsive and quite willing to remind you not to be silly on the corners - or the cat will bite.
The overall feel to some will, compared to a BMW for instance, be a little light and soft but that's what a Jag saloon is, and has always been - an extremely fast luxury cruiser.
The big question here is, could you grow accustomed to that face? To be honest I think you could - after all what else are we looking at in this sector? BMW? Audi?
Sitting on the inside of this car confirms that Jaguar want to move on.
It still rewards the faithful with a degree of luxury the Jag man expects and an exterior that's not so flash that it rubs your nose in it.
Handing this car back is killing me but here's the plan.
I'll watch my hair go a bit greyer. I'll see my paunch grow a few more inches and in five years I'll buy this dream for 14 grand on eBay.
So, if you happen to be lucky enough to buy the XF new, I won't meet you in the queue at the dealership - but I will, when you become my one careful, previous owner.
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